Why is it so hard to put the salt-shaker back sometimes?
For the past decade, leadership strategists and trainers have referenced the salt-shaker theory of leadership, which comes from Danny Meyer’s Setting the Table. The book describes how Danny Meyer used constant gentle pressure to ensure his restaurant staff met clear and high expectations, even down to the tiniest details about where the salt-shaker belongs on the table. It’s an apt analogy for leadership.
A leader’s job is to help the team reach clarity on objectives and articulate organizational standards, while creating the conditions for everyone to grow, thrive and meet their goals.
Leaders need to be clear about where the metaphorical salt-shaker goes and ensure that people are consistently putting it where it’s supposed to be. This means feedback needs to be as much of a part of life as brushing and flossing (Kim Scott, Radical Candor).
Why?
Firstly, because it’s our job. If everyone always did what they were supposed to do, managers wouldn’t have jobs.
Secondly, because it’s human nature to take the path of least resistance. We should expect people to veer of course because people get tired, they forget, and they have opinions.
Leaders have to constantly clarify, name and reset expectations to keep feedback small before the challenges compound. As Kim Scott says, we brush and floss so we don’t have to get a root canal.
This all sounds good in theory, but when faced with having to tell someone that their performance is not meeting your expectations, you might find your amygdala activated, which leads to fighting (coming off too aggressively), fleeing (avoiding the conversation), freezing (stumbling through the conversation) or appeasing (having the conversation but never actually being direct). It’s not always so easy to reset the salt-shaker.
Giving feedback requires leaders to be working in all 4 domains of emotional intelligence at once:
Often trainings on giving constructive feedback will focus on the social awareness and relationship management side of emotional intelligence (the right side). But we also need to be attentive to the other two domains of emotional intelligence, self-awareness and self-management.
When you are giving feedback, what’s the warning sign that you get when your amygdala has been activated? For me, it was a tightness in my chest, that I would feel right before “landing the plane” with my challenge statement. The nervous panic that I felt showed up in my chest, almost warning me that I was about to do something risky.
Giving feedback felt risky to me because of the thoughts that were running through my brain subconsciously – what if this person thinks I’m being unfair? What if this person gets angry with me because they feel embarrassed?
Over the past 2 years, I have supported almost 50 different leaders as they think about their own thinking at work. Some leaders find their amygdala activated by thoughts like:
I can’t share this feedback because this person is my friend and I don’t want them to feel sad.
I’m worried that if I say this, this person is going to go tell everyone and then they will quit.
How can I, as a White man, tell this Black woman what to do differently?
These thoughts have an impact on IF and HOW a leader gives the feedback and will ultimately have an impact on how the other person receives and acts on the feedback. That’s why it’s hard to put the salt-shaker back sometimes. So what do we do about it?
First, do some self-reflection:
What types of feedback conversations activate your amygdala?
Think of a specific recent incident where your amygdala was activated, how did you feel while giving constructive feedback?
What thoughts led to those feelings?
Just by reflecting on those questions you’ve become more self-aware. Before moving on to the self-management domain of emotional intelligence, consider sharing your reflections with someone you trust and who supports your development.
Once you’ve built self-awareness in this area, we can begin practicing self-management techniques. Reach out and we can do this work 1:1 or in a small group!
